BlueLoop: Modern Motherhood. Defined.

Do You Have A United Front?

2010-09-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

Before you had kids, did you and your partner sit down and discuss the "hows" of child rearing? Because we didn't. My husband and I are so in sync with everything else in our lives, I guess we both assumed that we would be on the same page regarding things like house rules and discipline. And when the kids were very small (like couldn't walk or talk), we were. How much discipline does a baby need? However, now that they are bigger (6 years and 3 years), I'm finding that there are a bunch of things we simply don't agree on.

Not big things, like the importance of education, the role religion will play in our lives, etc. It's the little things...like when to excuse them from the dinner table, how much TV they are allowed to watch, and how often to allow special treats after meals. We simply are not united on so many of those fronts - and we need to be. It is very hard to hold my tongue when I see my husband allowing (or prohibiting) something that I wouldn't. And so I say things like "Oh, what's the big deal. What's five more minutes with the Leapster?." Not good. I should most definitely not be contradicting him in front of my kids. Not only is it just bad parenting practice, but my kids are smart, and they are learning which of us to ask for certain things and, worse, they pit us against each other. Uh-oh.

I know we can't be the only couple who aren't 100% united on issues regarding our children. But we really need to get it together. I'm intimidated by the conversation, as I hate any kind of confrontation, even the civil kind. But, it's a must have - know it is. It's easier to do it now than wait, I know.

I'm sure this won't be my last post on this subject. If you have any thoughts - or want to share your own stories, please do. I'd love to hear from you.

Sleep Deprivation, Anyone?

2010-09-15T05:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I was tag teamed by our preschool aged twins. Usually, they are pretty good sleepers, but since the end of summer they have fallen into the strange habit of waking up in the middle of the night screaming for company. Luckily, they recognize that 2am is not play time and they are willing to stay in their bed and sleep. But, they will only do so with mommy by their side. So, I did a little research and jotted down some notes of my own. Here are some quick tips to get your family resting peacefully and soundly through the whole night.

1. Sleep training works best from about 4 months old to one year old.
2. There is no quick fix. Sleep training can take time and what works for one child may not work for another. Whatever method you choose (Ferber method, crying it out...), be consistent and stick with it. It can take up to 5-6 days to see noticeable differences in your child.
3. Find a routine that works and do it every night. Whether it be dinner, bath, story and bed...or bath, dinner, lullabies and bed, babies and toddlers thrive on routine, as they like to know what's coming next and take great comfort in a regular schedule. It can do wonders to settling a little one down for the night.
4. Try to figure out your child's cue that she is tired. For some children, it's all in the eye rub. I know when my son is tired because he will try to shove Grover's entire blue fuzzy head in his mouth. Once I see the sign, we make a bee-line for the bed.
5. Finally, in my experience, it is best to put a child to sleep while she is still awake - tired, but definitely awake. That way, she learns not only to fall asleep on her own, but that being in her crib or bed is safe and secure.
6. If you are feeling at your wits end with sleep training, we recommend calling Tracey Ruiz, the Sleep Doula. Better yet, come hear her speak at a BlueLoop luncheon on December 1.

Is it the Heat?

2010-08-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

Please say it's the heat. My kids have gone crazy, and I'd like to blame the extreme weather - as opposed to my parenting. I've tried letting them shake out their energy by running in the sprinklers, going to the playground, run in the backyard. But it's just too darn hot to be out there for extended periods. And, as a result, strange things are happening. Here's a few examples:

Strange Happening #1:
Yesterday, our 2.5yo decided to strip from the waist down, throw his clothes in the potty, and proceed to "wash" then "air dry" them by flinging them around, soaking himself, the furniture and the floor.

Strange Happening #2:
My toddler son totally outed me when I told my 6 year old that I was only 29 years old. He knew instantly that I was telling a little white lie and said "No you're not. You're 36!" How did he know? He's 2.5!

Strange Happening #3:
Me: "Max - Where are you?" Max: "I'm here!" Me: "Max, I don't see you. Where are you?" Max, even louder: "I'm here, Mama!" Me: "Max, you have to tell me where you are. Mommy can't find you!" Max: Mama! I'm UP HERE!" He was on the top shelf of our floor to ceiling bookcase. Ay carumba.

What are you doing to keep your family sane in this heat? Clearly, I could use some advice!

Darn Technology!

2010-08-27T12:12:00.001-07:00

My new business is a one-woman show. I am president and CEO, accountant, Director of Programming and the IT department all wrapped up into one...Trust me when I say that there is a learning curve.

It is for that reason that I ask you to bare with me as I post my second blog of the day. I am simply trying to figure out a new Widget (whatever that means) and hoping that the strange text ("Importing blog feed using NetworkedBlogs") that was mysteriously posted next to my last blog post disappears. Wish me luck as I struggle through this!

If anyone knows what I'm doing wrong, I'd love to hear!

Let's Talk

2010-08-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

First - I have to give props to Carly Cooper, owner of Balance the Motherload, for inspiring this blog post. She recently posted her own blog about the subject of encouraging us to find our own fulfillment and to continue to pursue our own dreams and passions, even in the midst of the daily chaos of family, home and work. She even created a "Mind Movie" to inspire moms to find their balance and their own joy.

I launched BlueLoop because I know that moms are searching for more - more connection, more inspiration, more knowledge. However, I know how difficult it is to find the time. But we need to and we need to find that connection, inspiration and knowledge in each other. Why? Moms take comfort in the ups and downs, successes and challenges of other moms, as it validates our own experiences, whether they our celebrations or struggles. It easy to feel disconnected and as though what each of us is feeling is our own, solitary struggle. But the truth is that none of us experiences motherhood in a vacuum - motherhood is our shared, common adventure. So, let's talk about it. Let's talk about motherhood.

I'll start. I have a spunky, energetic toddler who I worry about. I am about to have a fourth and I'm excited but scared. I work from home and have trouble keeping myself honest. I hate making dinner. I had a rough night with my 6 year old and got too angry. Who's with me?

In an attempt to help moms share and connect, BlueLoop has launched its first in a series of "Support Groups" designed to enable moms to engage, discuss and tackle the issues we all face. The first is a Working Moms Support Group, which begins on Wednesday, September 15 and runs for four consecutive Wednesdays. Upcoming support groups include New Moms, Moms of Multiples, and Moms of Toddlers. If you have any suggestions about topics which you'd like BlueLoop to address, please let us know. In the meantime, let's keep talking. We'd love to hear your feedback.

Panic Mode: When baby makes six

2010-07-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

I might be revealing a little too much about myself right now. And perhaps I will be flamed for what I'm about to admit. I am 14 weeks pregnant with my fourth child and I am scared out of my mind. Panicked, actually.

It's a different kind of panic I felt when I was pregnant with my first child. Those anxieties stemmed from the fact that I had never been a mom before. Was I going to be a good mom? How was the transition going to be as I morphed from working girl to stay at home mom? Could I handle the demands of a newborn? This time, however, I know the demands of a newborn and so I am anxious about how to tend to/care for/make time for our newborn and six year old and three year old twins. I am petrified that someone will get lost in the mix...that someone will end up short-changed. How do I make sure everyone has their needs met? How will I do this?

Certainly, my husband and I knew what we were getting into. We tried to get pregnant and we kept trying after two early losses, so I am in no way suggesting that this all happened by accident. But, honestly, that's how I feel some moments. I admit that I wonder how in the world we are going to make this work. Again, it's not all moments - I am thrilled beyond belief to add to our family. But I am really trying to figure it all out - the logistics, the juggling, and, most importantly, the division of my attention. Right now, I can't seem to make it work in my head. Perhaps, when I'm in the thick of it, it will all just happen naturally. Unfortunately, I am a girl who likes to plan...and I'm having trouble making this plan take shape. So, I guess what I really would love is some suggestions and advice. Moms, how do you juggle? Stay organized? Be everywhere at once? What are your secrets? Please share your thoughts and I will post your insights in an upcoming blog and on Facebook.

Caffeinated Kids

2010-06-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Most parents, myself included, wouldn’t give a second thought to letting their kids eat chocolate or indulge in a soda every once and a while. But would I ever give him a cup of coffee? No way. This is why I nearly keeled over when an old teacher colleague of mine told me last week that a parent of one of her students actually blamed a poor test grade on the fact that she hadn’t had her morning latte. Grade Six? All that caffeine can’t be good on a young body. So, I did a little research.

Caffeine is a natural ingredient found in the leaves, seeds or fruit in a variety of plants, such as tea leaves, coffee and cocoa. It is added to carbonated drinks and some over the counter medications and is defined as a drug because it affects the central nervous system and is considered addictive.

People who are sensitive to caffeine can suffer from:
*sleep problems
*headaches
*anxiety
*irritability.

More seriously, it can cause an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, and affect calcium balance and bone health. It has also been potentially linked to reproductive and newborn health. It is recommended that healthy adults not consume more than 450 milligrams of caffeine a day (about 3 cups of coffee).

Children are at greater risk for the behavioural affects of caffeine, such as mood changes, attentiveness, and alertness. Children who consume too much caffeine are more likely to suffer from frequent stomach aches, head aches and have difficulty sleeping. It can also aggravate heart problems or nervous disorders and some children may not know they are at risk.

Canadian guidelines recommend that preschool children get a maximum of 45 milligrams of caffeine a day. That's equivalent to the average amount of caffeine found in a 12-ounce can of soda or four 1.5-ounce milk chocolate bars. So, how much caffeine are your children really consuming? Well, one can of Coke has 34 mg; a can of diet coke has 45mg; 5oz of brewed coffee has 115; 8oz of chocolate milk has 5mg; and tablet of cold medicine has about 30mg. (Taken from Kids Health .)

What is the best way to cut caffeine out of your children’s daily food and drink intake? First and foremost, eliminate soda and chocolate from your child’s diet. Encourage them to drink water, fruit juice or milk and keep tabs on the amount of candy your child eats. Second, make sure you wean them off caffeine slowly and understand that without their daily "fix" your child may become irritable, tired, and achy. Of course, you can allow your children to indulge in a can of soda or a chocolate bar once in a while. For any healthy diet, moderation is key and a little caffeine won’t do any to derail your attempts to keep your child caffeine free.

For more information, please visit Health Canada or www.KidsHealth.org.

Babysitting Made Easy

2010-06-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

Over two years ago, I was blessed to be introduced to the woman who is now my nanny. She is loving, nurturing and responsible. From the moment I met her, I never had any hesitations about leaving my children with her – there was just something about her that felt “right.”

My nanny is not live-in, so on those rare occasions that my husband and I actually have somewhere to go at night, we have to rely on babysitters. Unfortunately, our luck in the sitter department has not been so good. We have been stood up, cancelled on, and once, we even sent a babysitter home when she showed up with her not-so-trustworthy-looking boyfriend. We have also been called home from a night out when our sitter couldn’t get our extremely mild-mannered and easy going son to stop crying. Needless to say, we learned the hard way how to choose sitters and how to make leaving our son at home as stress-free as possible, for everyone involved. Here are our pointers.

Interview your sitter while your child is home
You wouldn’t let a stranger house-sit, why would you let one baby sit? To find a babysitter, use a reputable service or get a referral from a friend. Then, arrange a face-to-face. Ask her lots of questions. What is her background? What sitting experience does she have? Is she okay bathing your child or changing a diaper? What does she do for a living? Also, take notice of how she interacts with your child. Is she calling him by name? Is she on the floor with him? Is she trying to engage him in anyway? What is your child’s reaction to her? First impressions are very important and what the potential babysitter does or doesn’t do during the interview can be very telling. They should want the job.

Arrange a trial run
You are entitled to know exactly how the baby sitter interacts with your child. Arrange for her to mind your child for a couple hours during the week, and stay home. Be out of sight, but do keep one ear open and listen to how she engages your little one. A test run also is the perfect way to get your child used to a new baby sitter without dealing with separation issues.

Chill Out
Even if you are nervous about leaving your child with a baby sitter, act relaxed. Children take their cues from their parents. If you are calm, they will be, too.

Actually being relaxed is even better than pretending to be relaxed. After all, you don’t want to be worrying the whole time you are away. Leave your cell phone number with the sitter, just in case, and assume that no news is good news.

Leave already!
If you need to be somewhere at 8pm, don’t wait until 8pm to leave your house. Just get up and go! Generally, children who cry will settle down after a few minutes. And, for goodness sake, make sure you say good-bye. Don’t sneak out of the house without telling your child where you are going. They will get scared when they suddenly realize you have gone and left them with a stranger.

When all else fails, distract them
Save a new toy or a favourite dinner for a night when a baby sitter is coming. A little distraction can go a long way when trying to soothe an anxious child.

Can You Be Too Good?

2010-05-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

I just had the most interesting conversation with a friend. My friend, who is the mom of six and four year old boys, began telling me about her younger sister – we’ll call her Jane. Jane is a newer mom of a three year old boy and one year old girl. Jane is outgoing, funny, bright – the kind of woman you want to be friends with. She went on to say that Jane is a “good mom.” Then she paused and said, “too good…too good to her children.”

She continued. There is no question that Jane loves her children. She bends over backwards for them, and only has their best interests at heart. However, Jane dotes on them so much that the one year old is only happy being held. The three year old never needs to say please and thank you or sorry. Both children have become used to instant gratification, as Jane caters to their every whim. My friend explained that she is concerned about future social and behavioral issues in school, as well as any academic struggles that may ensue.

My brain raced. Is there such a thing as a parent being “too good”? I am certainly guilty of a little hovering. Who isn’t? However, we are in an age of over-doing our parenting. We want our kids to have it better, want for nothing, have the best. So, we over-pamper, over-program, over-protect, over-monitor, over-praise… Experts agree that over-parenting can have long term emotional effects on children. One example: children who are bailed out by their parents may never learn to feel confident in their choices, leading to anxiety and possibly depression. Certainly, none of us wants that. Why can’t we just let go a little? Isn’t it easier not to over-parent – isn’t it more enjoyable? Nobody is suggesting that we completely let go of our worries – that’s part of the game. But over-parenting really just puts pressure on us. Most of the time, pushing our children to excel is just a reflection of what we want, rather than what they want. So, it’s time we just sit back, let our children follow their passions, learn, succeed and fail, and remember tomorrow will come regardless.

Stepping Out...and back in again

2010-05-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does today feel like a Friday? I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that it is only Tuesday. There are still three more days to go until the weekend and, yet, somehow, it feels like the week should be ending now. I hate days like this. Why do I feel this way?

Could it be that I haven’t had an uninterrupted night sleep in who remembers how long? Could it be that I have tackled more projects in the last two days than many people do in an entire week? Could it be that I am in the midst of organizing too many things at once – from tonight’s dinner to my business events to our upcoming family vacation?

Or, could it be that I just want to get back to that great book I'm reading (A Pigeon and A Boy, by Meir Shalev) and pretend like my to-do list is done. I think that’s it. Right now, I'm just feeling “done”. I've given it all I have – there is no more left. And, yet, here I sit, knowing that its only 2:30 and there are a few more productive hours left in my day (not to mention 3 days in my work week) and I have a lot more still to accomplish. I have to get to work! Ugh – blech – ugh, again.

Okay – time to snap out of it. Here’s my plan: keep it all in perspective. Whenever I'm feeling blah, I remember perspective is everything. Nothing will happen if everything I had planned to do today doesn’t get done. The to-do list can wait…at least for 30 minutes. Then I'm sure it will tug on my shirt and I will swing into full gear again. But, it’s always wise to get some perspective. Stepping out and away from “it” for a little while (to read, take a walk, browse the internet) is a good thing…as long as I remember that I need to step back in. I mustn’t forget that after the long-anticipated weekend, Monday always comes.

The Wonder Years

2010-05-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

My toddlers are incredibly loving and contented children. They are curious souls –explorers, even. But sometimes their behaviour is downright mystifying. They climb in the cupboards; they scream for no reason; throw food. I'm sure you can imagine. What should I make of these idiosyncrasies? Here’s my take:

They beg to be held. But as soon as I scoop them up, they wriggle to get down again.
They are getting used to their new found mobility and the independence that goes with it. hey love exploring their surroundings, but once they do, it means they are away from me...and that can be pretty scary. Usually when they teeter away, they will make their way back to me for reassurance. But as soon as pick them up, they see something new and exciting and want to explore.

Last night my son made me read Tumble Bumble times. He didn’t want any other book.
We are all creatures of habit. Why? Because we are comfortable with what is familiar. He loves listening to the same story because he knows what will happen next, and that makes him feel safe. Repetition is important at this stage of his life, as it helps reinforce new words. Plus, all that repetition is great for pre-reading skills. He is learning new sound patterns and acquiring the ability to interpret pictures.

My daughter will tell me she wants more chicken (or whatever food I’m serving up). But when I put it on her plate, she refuses to eat or throws it on the floor.
Clearly, there is no joy to be had in wasting food or cleaning spaghetti off the tile. But, she is using food to get attention. Food and eating are one of the very first things a child has control over, and mine is using it as a way to engage me. She knows I will react I've learned to never offer her more than 2-3 different foods at meals and I don't show my disappointment when she rejects them.

I am amazed at how the littlest things can keep them completely engaged!
Recently, we went on vacation and the beaches were pebbled instead of sandy. At first, I was upset that we wouldn’t have soft sand for them to play on. Then, I realized how totally enraptured they were by the little stones. They were studying them and committing them to memory. They had never seen anything like them before and they were using their powers of observation, and sense of touch (and sometimes taste) to try and understand what they were seeing.

Occasionally, my son will pick up a toy and whack me on the face or head with it!
It isn’t fun. But I’ve seen other children do it, so I know it’s “normal”. He is figuring out his own strength, seeing what different things he can do with his toys and trying to get a reaction out of me. I know he is not hitting me out of hostility. I never ignore it. The toy goes “bye-bye”, we review the “hands are for hugging, not hitting” rule, and we quickly engage in something else.

The Impossibility of Time Management

2010-05-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

I am not one of those people who take on new endeavors or face new challenges without doing plenty of research. I just can’t allow myself to face something new without having all of the information. Not only do I read any book I can get my hands on, but I take notes in the margin, transfer those notes to a spiral bound notebook and read again.

Most, if not all, of these personal or business “well-being and development” books devote a very generous amount of pages to Time management. So much, in fact, that I have come to loathe the term. What does Time Management mean, anyway? Can we really manage time? Control it? I don’t know a single person who can. So, isn’t Time Management really more about managing ourselves – our priorities? Absolutely.

One of the things that I discovered as stay-at-home mom was that I was busy and bored at the same time. I was exhausted at the end of the day from doing nothing…and by nothing I mean, running errands, driving to activities and play-dates, preparing meals and cleaning them up, wiping little noses, changing diapers, playing super-heroes and so on. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t even have told you what I did. And it started to upset me so much that I became self-deprecating – almost convincing myself I wasn’t really contributing to my family – that I was leaving no real legacy for my children – that I had nothing to show for my 35 years. Intellectually, of course, I knew that was totally incorrect. I am very close with my parents and sisters, I am educated, I had a successful career teaching, I have a wonderful marriage, a loyal and close-knit circle of friends and three healthy, happy children. However, I didn’t feel like I could break myself out of this rut. Who has the time?

There’s that word again. Time. Time Management. I can’t control how much time I have, I can only control what I do with the time I’ve been given. So, I began to re-evaluate my day-to-day life. I began replacing the “urgent” with the “important”. The laundry sat unfolded, so I could volunteer my son’s school. The phone calls and emails waited so I could get involved in a charitable organization. The other stuff eventually got done and I actually figured out a way to re-organize myself so that I could launch BlueLoop – something that I am very passionate about. Granted, it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I still get caught up in the things that can wait. It has taken a lot of soul searching, personal initiative and some serious planning. But it has been an interesting journey – this process of Self Management – and at least I’ve found the time.

Just a Bad Temper?

2010-04-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

I read with great interest this article in yesterday's National Post. It revolves around the proposed inclusion of a new children's behavioural disorder called, TDD, temper dysregulation disorder with dysphoria, in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. A diagnosis of TDD would be given to children, ages 6 and older, who have wild mood swings and physical and verbal outbursts and rage, much akin to the temper tantrums of a 2-3 year old. One of the goals of including TDD is essentially to provide a "less-severe diagnostic home" for children who don't quite meet the criteria for bipolar disorder, a disorder that, according to the article, is severely over-diagnosed in children who are then being medicated and labeled. Clearly there are a number of very real issues here. I'm curious to hear your thoughts. I'm sure you all have opinions about this subject.

Confessions of a New Blogger

2010-04-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

I was encouraged by several close friends and advisors to start a BlueLoop Blog. I barely know what the word "blog" means (it's short for "web-log" for those as uniformed as me), let alone how to write and manage one. Moreover, I have never been much of a diary-keeper, so at first, their suggestion was met with some hesitation, as how much of my experience do I really want to put "out there" for the viewing public? However, after some thought and a lot of research, I came to realize that while this blog can be all about me, it doesn't have to be, and it won't. Suffice it to say, that while I'm sure I will let my opinions, experience, and so-called "expertise" slip in some of the time, the goal of the BlueLoop blog will be to engage and enlighten other parents about things that are newsworthy, relevant, and hopefully sometimes even fun and fabulous.

So, here it goes. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I have already enjoyed writing.

By the way, does anyone have any suggestions for a Blog title? BlueLoop Blog isn't doing it for me.