Can You Be Too Good?

I just had the most interesting conversation with a friend. My friend, who is the mom of six and four year old boys, began telling me about her younger sister – we’ll call her Jane. Jane is a newer mom of a three year old boy and one year old girl. Jane is outgoing, funny, bright – the kind of woman you want to be friends with. She went on to say that Jane is a “good mom.” Then she paused and said, “too good…too good to her children.”

She continued. There is no question that Jane loves her children. She bends over backwards for them, and only has their best interests at heart. However, Jane dotes on them so much that the one year old is only happy being held. The three year old never needs to say please and thank you or sorry. Both children have become used to instant gratification, as Jane caters to their every whim. My friend explained that she is concerned about future social and behavioral issues in school, as well as any academic struggles that may ensue.

My brain raced. Is there such a thing as a parent being “too good”? I am certainly guilty of a little hovering. Who isn’t? However, we are in an age of over-doing our parenting. We want our kids to have it better, want for nothing, have the best. So, we over-pamper, over-program, over-protect, over-monitor, over-praise… Experts agree that over-parenting can have long term emotional effects on children. One example: children who are bailed out by their parents may never learn to feel confident in their choices, leading to anxiety and possibly depression. Certainly, none of us wants that. Why can’t we just let go a little? Isn’t it easier not to over-parent – isn’t it more enjoyable? Nobody is suggesting that we completely let go of our worries – that’s part of the game. But over-parenting really just puts pressure on us. Most of the time, pushing our children to excel is just a reflection of what we want, rather than what they want. So, it’s time we just sit back, let our children follow their passions, learn, succeed and fail, and remember tomorrow will come regardless.

Stepping Out...and back in again

Is it just me or does today feel like a Friday? I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that it is only Tuesday. There are still three more days to go until the weekend and, yet, somehow, it feels like the week should be ending now. I hate days like this. Why do I feel this way?

Could it be that I haven’t had an uninterrupted night sleep in who remembers how long? Could it be that I have tackled more projects in the last two days than many people do in an entire week? Could it be that I am in the midst of organizing too many things at once – from tonight’s dinner to my business events to our upcoming family vacation?

Or, could it be that I just want to get back to that great book I'm reading (A Pigeon and A Boy, by Meir Shalev) and pretend like my to-do list is done. I think that’s it. Right now, I'm just feeling “done”. I've given it all I have – there is no more left. And, yet, here I sit, knowing that its only 2:30 and there are a few more productive hours left in my day (not to mention 3 days in my work week) and I have a lot more still to accomplish. I have to get to work! Ugh – blech – ugh, again.

Okay – time to snap out of it. Here’s my plan: keep it all in perspective. Whenever I'm feeling blah, I remember perspective is everything. Nothing will happen if everything I had planned to do today doesn’t get done. The to-do list can wait…at least for 30 minutes. Then I'm sure it will tug on my shirt and I will swing into full gear again. But, it’s always wise to get some perspective. Stepping out and away from “it” for a little while (to read, take a walk, browse the internet) is a good thing…as long as I remember that I need to step back in. I mustn’t forget that after the long-anticipated weekend, Monday always comes.

The Wonder Years

My toddlers are incredibly loving and contented children. They are curious souls –explorers, even. But sometimes their behaviour is downright mystifying. They climb in the cupboards; they scream for no reason; throw food. I'm sure you can imagine. What should I make of these idiosyncrasies? Here’s my take:

They beg to be held. But as soon as I scoop them up, they wriggle to get down again.
They are getting used to their new found mobility and the independence that goes with it. hey love exploring their surroundings, but once they do, it means they are away from me...and that can be pretty scary. Usually when they teeter away, they will make their way back to me for reassurance. But as soon as pick them up, they see something new and exciting and want to explore.

Last night my son made me read Tumble Bumble times. He didn’t want any other book.
We are all creatures of habit. Why? Because we are comfortable with what is familiar. He loves listening to the same story because he knows what will happen next, and that makes him feel safe. Repetition is important at this stage of his life, as it helps reinforce new words. Plus, all that repetition is great for pre-reading skills. He is learning new sound patterns and acquiring the ability to interpret pictures.

My daughter will tell me she wants more chicken (or whatever food I’m serving up). But when I put it on her plate, she refuses to eat or throws it on the floor.
Clearly, there is no joy to be had in wasting food or cleaning spaghetti off the tile. But, she is using food to get attention. Food and eating are one of the very first things a child has control over, and mine is using it as a way to engage me. She knows I will react I've learned to never offer her more than 2-3 different foods at meals and I don't show my disappointment when she rejects them.

I am amazed at how the littlest things can keep them completely engaged!
Recently, we went on vacation and the beaches were pebbled instead of sandy. At first, I was upset that we wouldn’t have soft sand for them to play on. Then, I realized how totally enraptured they were by the little stones. They were studying them and committing them to memory. They had never seen anything like them before and they were using their powers of observation, and sense of touch (and sometimes taste) to try and understand what they were seeing.

Occasionally, my son will pick up a toy and whack me on the face or head with it!
It isn’t fun. But I’ve seen other children do it, so I know it’s “normal”. He is figuring out his own strength, seeing what different things he can do with his toys and trying to get a reaction out of me. I know he is not hitting me out of hostility. I never ignore it. The toy goes “bye-bye”, we review the “hands are for hugging, not hitting” rule, and we quickly engage in something else.

The Impossibility of Time Management

I am not one of those people who take on new endeavors or face new challenges without doing plenty of research. I just can’t allow myself to face something new without having all of the information. Not only do I read any book I can get my hands on, but I take notes in the margin, transfer those notes to a spiral bound notebook and read again.

Most, if not all, of these personal or business “well-being and development” books devote a very generous amount of pages to Time management. So much, in fact, that I have come to loathe the term. What does Time Management mean, anyway? Can we really manage time? Control it? I don’t know a single person who can. So, isn’t Time Management really more about managing ourselves – our priorities? Absolutely.

One of the things that I discovered as stay-at-home mom was that I was busy and bored at the same time. I was exhausted at the end of the day from doing nothing…and by nothing I mean, running errands, driving to activities and play-dates, preparing meals and cleaning them up, wiping little noses, changing diapers, playing super-heroes and so on. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t even have told you what I did. And it started to upset me so much that I became self-deprecating – almost convincing myself I wasn’t really contributing to my family – that I was leaving no real legacy for my children – that I had nothing to show for my 35 years. Intellectually, of course, I knew that was totally incorrect. I am very close with my parents and sisters, I am educated, I had a successful career teaching, I have a wonderful marriage, a loyal and close-knit circle of friends and three healthy, happy children. However, I didn’t feel like I could break myself out of this rut. Who has the time?

There’s that word again. Time. Time Management. I can’t control how much time I have, I can only control what I do with the time I’ve been given. So, I began to re-evaluate my day-to-day life. I began replacing the “urgent” with the “important”. The laundry sat unfolded, so I could volunteer my son’s school. The phone calls and emails waited so I could get involved in a charitable organization. The other stuff eventually got done and I actually figured out a way to re-organize myself so that I could launch BlueLoop – something that I am very passionate about. Granted, it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I still get caught up in the things that can wait. It has taken a lot of soul searching, personal initiative and some serious planning. But it has been an interesting journey – this process of Self Management – and at least I’ve found the time.