Can You Be Too Good?

I just had the most interesting conversation with a friend. My friend, who is the mom of six and four year old boys, began telling me about her younger sister – we’ll call her Jane. Jane is a newer mom of a three year old boy and one year old girl. Jane is outgoing, funny, bright – the kind of woman you want to be friends with. She went on to say that Jane is a “good mom.” Then she paused and said, “too good…too good to her children.”

She continued. There is no question that Jane loves her children. She bends over backwards for them, and only has their best interests at heart. However, Jane dotes on them so much that the one year old is only happy being held. The three year old never needs to say please and thank you or sorry. Both children have become used to instant gratification, as Jane caters to their every whim. My friend explained that she is concerned about future social and behavioral issues in school, as well as any academic struggles that may ensue.

My brain raced. Is there such a thing as a parent being “too good”? I am certainly guilty of a little hovering. Who isn’t? However, we are in an age of over-doing our parenting. We want our kids to have it better, want for nothing, have the best. So, we over-pamper, over-program, over-protect, over-monitor, over-praise… Experts agree that over-parenting can have long term emotional effects on children. One example: children who are bailed out by their parents may never learn to feel confident in their choices, leading to anxiety and possibly depression. Certainly, none of us wants that. Why can’t we just let go a little? Isn’t it easier not to over-parent – isn’t it more enjoyable? Nobody is suggesting that we completely let go of our worries – that’s part of the game. But over-parenting really just puts pressure on us. Most of the time, pushing our children to excel is just a reflection of what we want, rather than what they want. So, it’s time we just sit back, let our children follow their passions, learn, succeed and fail, and remember tomorrow will come regardless.